Some of us can barely tolerate one feeling at a time. What on earth am I suggesting?
Examples in my work
I work in foster care. Supporting kids and families as they navigate the very complex feelings that come with foster care is something that I am constantly working to understand. Some kids spend years with their foster families and then go back home to their bio families. They want to be with their bio families, of course, but they also have grown to love their foster families. Their foster families have accepted them as their own, and they have to navigate the sadness of saying goodbye while celebrating the joy of helping them reunite with their bio families.
Examples in my personal life
Whenever I get a photo of my granddaughter, who lives in a different state, I am overjoyed at seeing her preciousness and I’m thrilled that her parents thought to share this moment with me! Almost simultaneously I am struck with sadness at how far away she lives and how little time I get to spend with her.
My feelings over lost relationships are plenty too. It is common for me to feel sad and miss someone and also feel mad at them for the hurts that I feel due to our fallout. I can feel relief that they are gone, and in the same moment feel sadness and loneliness. I sometimes even feel concern for them and curiosity at times and wonder how they are doing.
We recently went on vacation in Disneyworld and Universal Studios. It was so weird being there, so separate from much of the world that is hurting, while I lived in relative extravagance. I felt out of touch. I was thrilled to spend time and make memories with my family in such a privileged way; but I also had guilty feelings. It felt unfair that I got to enjoy such fun when times are so difficult for so many others.
So many feelings…..how do I cope?
I am learning to give grace to myself when the feelings flood my mind. I used to feel ashamed for feeling. I would judge myself for happiness, as well as for sadness. Happiness was undeserved in light of those who were hurting, and sadness should not be allowed for someone who is so blessed. There is much time spent thinking about my feelings versus simply feeling them.
Having more than one feeling can be overwhelming, like a wave in the ocean. The feelings can wash over me, loud, powerful, and strong; and I don’t know which feeling to manage first. If I stop and breathe, and maybe do a bit of writing, I will see if the feelings will just settle down with a little time. Some feelings may respond to reason and diffuse with a calm, “It’s going to be ok,” affirmation.
We are not crazy to have feelings. We were designed to feel. It is ok to have more than one feeling at a time. Life is complicated. Take care of yourselves, and take time to feel ALL your feelings. Remember, “Big feelings can help us and our world to grow.” https://www.respectfullycurious.com/bookshop/