Do you know this happy human? His name is Jon Batiste. He is a musical genius, and a bundle of “love energy.” I watch him and think, “I’ll have whatever he’s having.” American Symphony is a documentary on his life. It is an exhibition of his journey, navigating fame, talent, anxiety– all while he loves and supports his partner, Suleika Jaouad, a beautiful acclaimed writer and artist, managing cancer. I was blessed to see him perform last fall. The concert felt like a gift, from Jon to us! Those of us present gratefully took a break from the divisiveness of the news and collectively celebrated the gift of love that makes us all alive.

Curious About Love

Google’s definition of love feels lame to me. Feel free to “search it up.” Some Christians interpret love according to 1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible, and I appreciate that interpretation of love. Some believe God is Love. I will be vulnerable and share here that love is the reason that I still believe in God. I don’t always see love demonstrated by people who claim to be Christian, but I have already complained about that in my “Dear Church” posts. So, I won’t belabor it here. 🙂 You’re welcome.

Love feels all encompassing to me, like a life flow, that I get to enjoy. I believe love is the essence of life. I think it may be primary and fundamental to all the other feelings. For example, if there was no love, would we have a reason to hope? Would there be sadness over loss or anger over injustice if we did not love? I believe love fills life with meaning and purpose.

Love fuels me to help a friend in need, open a door for an elderly woman, or support a non-profit that we believe in. Love gives me motivation to have patience and understanding with others; it gives me joy and passion to fight for a bright future, even when the news feels so bleak; and it drives me to care for myself, so I can experience a love filled life, for as long as possible. Love keeps me awake and present to opportunities every day.

When Love is Lost

Sometimes stress sucks capacity for love. I feel numb, because life feels overwhelming. I turn into a robot, moving through the moments, surviving without feeling.

Other times loving feels so painful. A loved one hurts me, and it feels easier to build a wall of anger to avoid the sting of hurt. I lose the essence of me as I wring my heart free of every last drop of the love that fuels the hard feelings.

At other times giving too freely sucks love from me. I have trusted naively, without the balance of reciprocation. This is not real love, but a greed for it–I also call it “people pleasing.” This ultimately dilutes the joy of generosity, when I give beyond my desire. I betray myself to play a role others want, instead of being comfortable being myself, loving in the ways I am uniquely able.

In whatever ways we lose love, don’t we consequently lose part of ourselves? And each time a person separates themselves from love, because of burnout, loss, or hurt, doesn’t the world pay a dear cost, that it cannot afford? I love the people in our world, and I am afraid that we are losing our love. The essence and flow that keep us alive and connected is draining away.

Healing is Imperative

If you know me, you know I celebrate feelings. When we feel, it is evident that love is in us, even if the feelings are hard. For example, sadness reminds us that whatever was lost was worth loving. Fear is rooted in concern of losing something we love. And so on. When these feelings are avoided, we become callous toward love. Or perhaps we engage in coping skills that end up separating ourselves from love. But humans were designed for love, and there is always hope. Love is always there, ready to regenerate and be better than before, if we keep ourselves unlocked to it.

Love is relational. It is birthed and lost and healed through relationship. I have experienced this in sometimes surprising ways– like even discovering how to love a relationship with myself or finding healing through connection with a skilled therapist. If I am open to love and all it brings, I remain alive and hopeful. If I feel numb or defeated, I may need reminders that love is still possible and available, when I have courage to heal and remain open. Imagine a world full of people who are open to love: they have reasons to hope and plan for a positive future; they find passion to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves; they experience joy through connection; and they can find meaning in the mundane. I need to create space for love to revitalize. I will adapt to new routines after disappointment, and consider options outside my control. I will make mistakes and learn that sometimes I have not been wise with love. I can learn how to love myself and others, with healthy boundaries.

Follow the Lovers

I started this post with Jon Batiste. He is someone who I have watched and learned from, because he models what it looks like to remain open to love. I observe some additional favorite celebrities and leaders who remain authentic, vulnerable, generous– open to giving and receiving love, even in spite of really challenging hurdles. They inspire us. Mr. Rogers used to say, “Watch the helpers.” I humbly add, “Watch the lovers.” He certainly was a lover too.

I want to be more full of love in 2026. I will create space to remain awake and present to the opportunities that love brings. When love feels distant, and I am tempted to separate from love, I will work hard to pursue the courage to remain open. Let’s help each other! Love to all of you in 2026!

The post What the World Needs Now– Musing on Love appeared first on Big Feels: The Diary of a Passionate Kitty.

Some of us can barely tolerate one feeling at a time. What on earth am I suggesting?

Examples in my work

I work in foster care. Supporting kids and families as they navigate the very complex feelings that come with foster care is something that I am constantly working to understand. Some kids spend years with their foster families and then go back home to their bio families. They want to be with their bio families, of course, but they also have grown to love their foster families. Their foster families have accepted them as their own, and they have to navigate the sadness of saying goodbye while celebrating the joy of helping them reunite with their bio families.

Examples in my personal life

Whenever I get a photo of my granddaughter, who lives in a different state, I am overjoyed at seeing her preciousness and I’m thrilled that her parents thought to share this moment with me! Almost simultaneously I am struck with sadness at how far away she lives and how little time I get to spend with her.

My feelings over lost relationships are plenty too. It is common for me to feel sad and miss someone and also feel mad at them for the hurts that I feel due to our fallout. I can feel relief that they are gone, and in the same moment feel sadness and loneliness. I sometimes even feel concern for them and curiosity at times and wonder how they are doing.

We recently went on vacation in Disneyworld and Universal Studios. It was so weird being there, so separate from much of the world that is hurting, while I lived in relative extravagance. I felt out of touch. I was thrilled to spend time and make memories with my family in such a privileged way; but I also had guilty feelings. It felt unfair that I got to enjoy such fun when times are so difficult for so many others.

So many feelings…..how do I cope?

I am learning to give grace to myself when the feelings flood my mind. I used to feel ashamed for feeling. I would judge myself for happiness, as well as for sadness. Happiness was undeserved in light of those who were hurting, and sadness should not be allowed for someone who is so blessed. There is much time spent thinking about my feelings versus simply feeling them.

Having more than one feeling can be overwhelming, like a wave in the ocean. The feelings can wash over me, loud, powerful, and strong; and I don’t know which feeling to manage first. If I stop and breathe, and maybe do a bit of writing, I will see if the feelings will just settle down with a little time. Some feelings may respond to reason and diffuse with a calm, “It’s going to be ok,” affirmation.

We are not crazy to have feelings. We were designed to feel. It is ok to have more than one feeling at a time. Life is complicated. Take care of yourselves, and take time to feel ALL your feelings. Remember, “Big feelings can help us and our world to grow.” https://www.respectfullycurious.com/bookshop/

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Lessons from our pets

These two– so different, yet the same. When I was a little girl, I thought dogs ate cats and there was no way they could be friends. But these two pets of Bethany’s are very attached to each other and live at peace in our home. It reminds me of what I wish was the reality in our world. However, things only seem to get more difficult. I admit that I am tempted to think that I cannot share space with those who believe things that seem so wrong, to me. I have been hurt by social media posts and conversations with people I love, because of those belief differences. They may feel the same about me. I cannot fathom how anyone can follow a bully, yet many that I care about seem to be doing so. It is so confusing. But I believe we HAVE to learn to appreciate our differences and either attempt to understand the other or let it go, like Rocko and Jet have learned to do. If we don’t, we will continue to devour “the other” (which, by the way, gives the bully more power).

Connection

I attended a trauma conference last week where there were 3400 people from all over the world. I discussed the challenges we have in the U.S. with others in different parts of the world. Those I met agree that we do have a bully running our country, and they felt badly for us. All the speakers had a similar thread to their talks: that connection is a primary component for healing trauma. Yet, connection sometimes feels impossible.

How can we keep our beliefs and the authenticity of who we are and remain respectful with those who are different? I believe Tyler Merritt addressed it articulately when he talked about proximity. Check out his book, I Take my Coffee Black here: https://thetylermerrittproject.com/book/. He has some experience with community, and it is an inspiring read.

Proximity

I agree with Tyler and want to name that proximity is a key part of what, I believe, is missing here. I have moved multiple times throughout my life, and I have learned lessons with each move. Different locations hold different people groups, different stories, and different cultures. I have become closer in proximity to different varieties of people because of where I live. I have Black and Brown people around me that I love. I have Asian friends and family that I love. I have gay, bi, and trans people that I know and love. I see the world differently, thanks to living in a place where people who are different than I reside. I could choose not to see these people, not to listen to their stories, or try not to understand their journeys; however, I would miss out on many life giving relationships if I avoided experiences with those who are different than I. I know it sounds dramatic, but I fully believe that being in proximity with these people has saved my life. If I had not seen their perspectives, I would have continued to be surrounded by all the people who looked like me, talked like me, believed like me, etc. There is an incredible beauty and growth that would be missing from my life.

Seattle

I remember when we moved to Seattle from the community that was so comfortable for us. I grieved for a solid year, and I missed my friends who I had been pregnant with, homeschooled my kids with, and “solved the world’s problems” with. I must have known that things would change beyond my imagination, because the weight of that loss still brings emotions in my chest when I think about it.

I remember our first visit back, when our friends were gathering together. I noticed that I had some discomfort that I had NOT missed. I was feeling aware of concern about the outfit I had brought to wear. I noticed that I was thinking about how skinny everyone else was, and how “not skinny” I felt. I wondered if people would be evaluating my karaoke performance– I was reminded, by myself, that I couldn’t measure up. These insecurities were very noticeable, I believe, because they had been pretty non-existent since moving away.

When I got curious about why these feelings were so present in this community, I came to a new understanding of myself. In this community, where I thought I was SO comfortable, I was actually very insecure. It was a lovely looking bunch of people, who loved us, and we loved them. We missed them terribly, and looked forward to seeing them; but what I felt after a short break was interesting.

Respectfully Curious about non-diverse groups

I wonder, when we are only surrounded by people who look and act and believe like us, do we see the bigger picture? How can we? It feels nice in a way. The lines are so clear; we know where to shop, what to eat, and how to raise our kids. Our structures are able to be built on what, we believe, is a very firm foundation of truth; and we can build walls around it to keep out those who don’t belong. We even gather to peer out over those walls; and together we feel sorry for those who do not adhere to our belief systems, because they can’t possibly be happy, can they? Our kids can grow up to marry their perfect partners, who look like us, act like us, and believe like us. They can shop where we shop, eat what we eat, and raise their kids like we raised them. It is very comfortable and tidy. Truly, it is! And we can stay the same.

Here’s another thought. What would happen if we decided intentionally to connect with a person or two outside our normal circles? What if we joined a book club or yoga class to expand our community. Maybe these aren’t opportunities that you are able or desire to do, but there are also MANY memoirs out there that can help us understand better the experience of others. May I recommend Born a Crime, by Trevor Noah https://a.co/d/eS555KN, Finding Me, by Viola Davis https://a.co/d/0LTooxR, or Torn, by Justin Lee https://a.co/d/8H92wBi. These are just a few that have helped me grow! You may even have a friend or family member who is part of a different community, who may be willing to have coffee and connect. I do want to acknowledge that the weight of understanding others is our own. It needs to come from a place of love and curiosity, pursuing points of connection, instead of “help me understand how you came to believe how you do.” Telling one’s story may be appropriate after some time and trust, but don’t start there. Start with things you love about the other, and sit and connect over that for awhile. Safety in relationship takes time, grace, and effort. And this is not about convincing the other to come to our point of view. This is simply connection. I know. It’s hard for me as well :).

Circling Back to Rocko and Jet

I hope I have helped to bring some respectful curiosity to what I believe is a VERY important issue in our country. I am so glad that I was exposed, even though it wasn’t always comfortable for me, to quite alot of diversity of community in the last 15 years. Seattle is a FANTASTIC place to live, and it is safe for most everyone to create and explore and be authentically who they were made to be. I felt that safety really soon after moving here, and I noticed the difference when going back for that first visit. I want to be that safe place for everyone in my life, but I am still learning how. I grew up Christian, and I believe that desire is consistent with a Christianity that I am still willing to be part of. I want to be open to love and forgive and grow and change and love and forgive and grow and change FOREVER. I know that it feels scary sometimes; but as I look back, I have not been sorry for these changes in my life. I wonder if the survival of our families, friends, workplaces, and humanity depends on proximity and inclusion for those who are different. Please consider taking time for curiosity in this space. And as long as you are not a bully, you are welcome around my table, no matter who you are!!! https://youtu.be/ZPfI8zBWub4?si=CQiJCwxOlQAJxBmi

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Belonging is powerful. I have mentioned in previous posts the relationship challenges we have had with our Christian community, only after we came out in support of LGBTQ people. People have disappointed us, and we have disappointed them. I have done much soul searching as I try to understand what my relationship with God looks like now. I think I was quite a codependent, and perhaps my identity as a Christian was more about being in the right group than actually standing up for what I believed in. When you don’t belong where you once did and when the previous comfortable community has left, it really does make you think about what you believed and why you believed it. I know deconstruction is a term that is loaded, but it has been a helpful concept for me. I mean, if God is who we believed him to be, he will hold up under it, right?

I still feel hope in my gut that God is real and there is love and joy and peace and patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control, that reflects a soul that is god filled. And one of the reasons I feel hope of that is the church, or Christians. So here is another side of the “Dear Church” letters that I am happy to share.

I have a job supporting foster families. Many of them are Christians. I watch them day after day care for kids who are not theirs. They manage difficult behaviors with grace, and they love kids for days, weeks, months, and years. And then they often have to give them back, sometimes with grieving hearts but committed to having no strings attached. They surrender hearts full of fear for outcomes they can’t know or control. It is a constant toll, but they keep doing it until they cannot do it anymore. They do it, because something calls them to it–something or someone. Watching these people choose to do this hella hard work is bringing healing to my wounded soul, because this love… doesn’t make sense.

I have been attending a church for a few years that is small but safe. Most are hurting from a variety of church wounds, many in the LGBTQ+ community. But it remains a church- a place of faith in the Christian God. It feels different from any church I had previously attended. There is much validation and zero judgment. Some in the church say they may not be alive were it not for the support they received there. I joined a Bible “restudy” the other night where I heard very different interpretations of Bible verses. Remaining open to the possibility of the reality of God gave me the desire to attend this sweet space where questions and imperfections were allowed. This has brought healing and hope to me.

My daughter’s family has been attending a church in their area, and I have been joining them when I am able. It *feels* more like church than the other one, for better or worse. Sometimes I don’t know if I can honestly sing all the songs. But when they sing Brandi Carlile’s Highwomen’s “Crowded Table” https://g.co/kgs/USQWGw6 I try to belt it as I tear up. It isn’t a big body of people but they have been feeding hundreds of local houseless folks breakfast every Sunday morning for decades. They are an ecumenical church and very diverse. I was singing about God’s love while there recently, and I felt a very real warmth. Maybe it was simply a feeling, but it seemed like something in me was healing.

I really do not believe I can know if there is a God or not. I cannot be sure if my experiences with spirituality are from God or coincidence. I have feelings, but they may just be feelings. But I am open to the possibility. I think that is a place I would choose to be–more open.

Dear Church, Thanks to those of you who are able to care for the children who are displaced by things outside their control. It isn’t easy. There are people of faith and not of faith loving these kids, but most of the you I engage with are people of faith. And all of the you who do it seem to be called by something or someone. Thank you for sharing with me this healing love as I see you loving your kids.

Dear Church, https://missiongathering.com/mg-bellevue/Thank you for making a safe space for those who have been wounded by religion. Thank you for being aware of each potential trigger, and thank you for training people to be emotionally in tune with themselves and one another. Thank you for creating a very safe space for curiosity and healing love.

Dear Church, https://www.urbangrace.org/Thank you for pushing through hard seasons and sticking together. Thank you for feeding the needy in your city. Thank you for singing songs about God’s love, and creating a space where this love is able to be felt. Thank you for welcoming my kids. Thank you for showing me another kind of church that eminates a love less stringint or dependent on conditions.

Dear Church, You have helped me not give up this search for understanding God. This love that you show is a beautiful part of life where I want to belong. Is it just about the community? Am I just codependent? Perhaps. But it seems proven that people need each other, and it seems a reality that we were made to belong. Belonging and God can still be in the same space for me, thanks to these fine folks :).

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How did so many people, many claiming to be Christians, give a person like Trump such a big win?

I have been listening to commentators that should have prepared me for this, but I was not prepared. I thought I was prepared for a slight win, but I sure was not prepared for such a significant one. 

I feel a deep heaviness in my chest. It is hard seeing people I love celebrating someone who is factually a rapist, a thief, a liar, a cheat, a racist, who uses disgusting language in reference to women and communities of color. I do not understand how people who say they take the Bible so literally can excuse this. I have never felt so heavy for our nation. I have never felt so overwhelmed by “the sin of the land.” 

I feel confused and wonder if I am having big feelings that may be the same kind of feelings that these people had 4 years ago. I have a family member who was scared when Biden won in 2020, and he told me things like “families will be divided similar to what happened during the Revolutionary War.” I saw the fear that drove people to post mean things about people they knew nothing about. I told myself they were just afraid. I tried to give them understanding. 

But now I am afraid. I am afraid of those scared people. Those scared people who have been duped by a masterful manipulator. I remember, as a kid, being so afraid of being under the power of “the antichrist.” He was going to mesmerize us all into an army of robots to do his evil bidding and bring down truth and goodness. I don’t believe the Bible as literally as I used to, but if I did, I know I would still be confused and wary of the resemblance. 

I am trying to tell myself that fear is never a good reason to act. So I will practice meditation, prayer, breathing, processing, etc. to keep myself calm. However, I am scared…maybe like that family member was 4 years ago. But my fear feels founded on a reality that our nation seems to be conned by a master manipulator. A nation is “calling evil ‘good,’”with this leader. I was warned about such people, and now those people who warned me are celebrating exactly such a person. 

I am confused, because I had hoped we had a majority who would not empower someone like him. What does this say to our kids? How will it affect a population of LGBTQ+ folks who just want to live their lives and be left alone. Could this be  about abortion? Really? Because the research shows that we have made much progress and abortion has decreased significantly over the last decades. Changes have been made to help make that decision less necessary. Is it possible that issue that has improved so significantly could be the reason to bring such a leader into power? It doesn’t make sense to me that Christians are celebrating this person. Oh, also, he is pro choice.

Perhaps it’s because of his stand against immigration. But that is not a Christian stance either. I believe many Christians are under a spell- the spell of a very, very bad man. I get that they may think he can lead our country toward a better life for them. But is their “better life” worth all the harm that may be done? I don’t understand. These are not reasons, according my very Christian upbringing, to vote for such a person. I do not get it.

I don’t know what to hope for. I know I want my friends and family who are scared like me to know that I am a safe person, who will be here to protect their freedoms. I am here to stick with those who are interested in showing love to all our neighbors, eat with strangers, be generous with those who don’t live or look like me, and stay strong to protect the vulnerable. May we see clearly and not be blinded by fear, but may we be supportive of all who may need it these next 4 years. 

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“Consider others more important than yourself.” This verse I learned as a little girl has shaped my life. It is a phrase that, to me, describes what respect means. Can it be taken too far? Of course, I believe it can. However, it has given me a perspective that has been one of my aims in life. It helps my ego not feel too weighted in relationships.

I remember wondering if this phrase could apply to parenting. I admit it is a pet peeve of mine when I see parents “talking down” to their kids. (I probably have not respected them very much :).) What might it look like to consider my kids more important than myself? It could look like celebrating their accomplishments or cheering them on when they’re down. Maybe it looks like giving them freedom to make mistakes and grow, being proud of them through it. What if I assume they will do the right thing, verses expecting them to fail? Respect definitely includes celebrating who they are instead of trying to force them into the “mold” of someone I imagined they would be.

What does it look like to consider my partner more important than myself? It could look like doing things that I know are meaningful to them. Or maybe I could let irritations go and celebrate all the parts of who they are, even the parts that are difficult for me. It could mean making time in a busy schedule to be with them or listening to them talk, because their words are important.

Respecting a coworker may mean sharing positives about them with the rest of the team or supporting them through highs and lows at the office. Taking a moment to share a smile and a “How was your weekend?” is respectful, as well as, paying attention to their interests and engaging around what you have noticed they care about.

Can I consider a family member who has differing beliefs more important than myself? I could avoid letting politics get in the way of a growing relationship with them. Maybe I remember their birthday and celebrate their kids’ milestones. Respecting them values taking opportunities to connect with them, even if it’s awkward; because life is short and they are more important than the issues we disagree about.

Who else might I have opportunity to “respect?” What would it look like to show respect to the guy with the cardboard sign at the end of the freeway ramp? How about the neighbor who has a Trump sign on his lawn or a Kamala sign? And the neighbor who has a pride flag hanging on their house? Consider a trans coworker? What about the person who doesn’t have their lawn as manicured as you’d like or who takes your parking spot at the gym or your pew at church? And the person who cuts in front of you in the Costco line? Do you respect the homeless person in the downtown doorway who’s high on drugs or passed out and smells like urine?

Who do we think of as more important than ourselves? Anyone? Everyone? In my most depressed moments, I think everyone, but I usually operate from the bubble of my own importance. To be clear, I don’t believe that respect requires a loss of myself. Respect of people includes a respect of myself. Prioritizing my own needs is important, so I have capacity to respect others. But respect doesn’t have to cost much. It can simply be a shift in thought or a surrender of a judgment. It may be free, but it is not abundant. On the contrary, it currently feels like it’s in short supply.

We are all people, each unique, who are incredibly complex, with different gifts. Respectful curiosity is something I need more of, and I wish it was more of a reflection of our society. Is there a person that comes to mind that you deem not “respectable?” What would respecting them look like? I have people that are not easy for me to respect. I am not suggesting turning a blind eye to people who have been abusive. However, I really hope to more generally practice “curiosity before criticism” and think about what considering others more important than myself might look like.

I am interested in your thoughts! Do you think “Considering one another more important than yourself” is a path of respect? Does that track?

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Hi, Everyone,

I thought I would share a reflection I was invited to share at church today. Thanks for reading.

When I was asked to talk today about resurrection and transformative love I considered what I would share. There are a variety of things I could share. Life is full of dying to an old way and living into a new way. I hope that my life will reflect millions of those patterns, exponentially as I get older. But I thought I would share three significant seasons that helped me become more open to these regular resurrection moments, big and small.

Love in my Spirit

The first “awakening” was back in my very evangelical time of life, about 20 years ago. My husband Chris was a huge C.S. Lewis fan at the time, and he had gone to several C.S. Lewis conferences. He really loved his times at these conferences, and so we decided to get childcare for our 3 very little kids and attend one with his parents. The conference was titled, “The Imaginative Worlds of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein.” I had never experienced anything like what that conference was. I remember Fernando Ortega was the resident artist, and there were speakers who were intellectual and also poetry readings. I kept thinking that I had never experienced a Christian conference where I did not feel like I needed to “work on something” or “repent”. I felt grace abound in the content, and it did awaken something in me. I literally wanted to engage with every person I met, with curiosity, love, and wonder at the creation that they were. I was not the same. I had become aware that there was a new kind of Christian event that made me a better human, without the guilt and shame. I began then to lose interest in the dogma that had kept me focused on my own limitations and shortcomings, and I wanted to press into the flow of humanity that invited the beauty of growth. The connections this group gave me contributed significantly to why I still have a faith in God today. The friendships that began there showed me a different kind of Christian community; and if I hadn’t experienced it, I think I would have attached all of Christianity to the rigidity of the fundamentalism I had known before. I am grateful to have had this experience that moved me from a world of shame to an openness to other God perspectives that keep me interested in Them.

Love in my Body

The second season I wanted to share was about 9 years ago. While the first experience was more spiritual, this was more connected to a personal, bodily awakening. Robin Williams had just passed away, and many were sharing about depression on social media. At the same time, a leader of a fundamentalist movement I had been involved in as a youth was exposed for thirty something sexual harassment allegations. Also, I was on a worship team and the leader was asked to resign due to indiscretions with another team member. The world as I knew it, my present leaders, my past leaders, and a respected celebrity had brought some clarity. There was much wrong with the world, and Robin’s quotes and stories about him helped me become aware that loved people can still have mental health challenges. I realized I was depressed and had been for some time. I decided to start seeing a therapist (which was very scary for me). We discussed my story: who I was, what I wanted, etc. I was made aware that I did not know the answers to any of these questions. I only had known how to be who others wanted me to be. I had grown up in a world of conservative religion where I thrived in being the person that did more than I was told, did things before I was asked, and worked hard to consider others more important than myself. That got me success in those places, but in reality I was very out of touch with my own self. The two big leaders being exposed made me realize I had lost myself in service to others and I had become a victim of a toxic system. I had learned to behave, submit, and be as completely selfless as I could manage; but I hated myself and could do nothing outside of someone else’s need. I was anxious, depressed, unhappy, and realized my “joy” was limited to being happy when others I helped were happy with me. My time in therapy has helped me grow in love for me. I can be alone with myself and enjoy it, which was not possible before. I have grown in understanding of who I am, what I like, and what I don’t like. I still sometime struggle with boundaries, but I am getting better. I am realizing what is appropriate and celebrating my likes and dislikes. I have left the old mindset of who I was, and I feel more comfortable honoring my needs so I can live in love for myself, others, and the world. My new love for myself allows mistakes, realizing growth comes through victories AND challenges. The important thing is to remain open to learning in all of life, not expecting perfection but humanness.

Love Discovered Through Practice

The last experience of awakening and transformation was more of an active practice. Many of you know that a friend and I walked across Spain about a year and a half ago. It was 500 miles done in 32 days, and was super impactful. People have asked what it was that was so “life changing.” There isn’t an easy answer, but it has something to do with the grounding practice of walking 15-22 miles for 29 of 32 days, WITHOUT a giant AHA moment. The plodding sound of our feet. The beauty of the landscape surrounding us. The sound of cow bells as cows literally were herded along beside us. The taste of red wine, poured out of a pitcher at our nightly dinners. The groans that come from sore muscles and joints. The conversations and laughter with fellow “pilgrims” at the hostels and along the path. We walked through the rain, got blisters, ate not great food most of the trip, and many days were just plain boring. Walking into the city of Santiago at the close of our journey was pretty anti-climactic with no fanfare for our huge accomplishment– just a few photos, a hug from a couple we had met along the way, and a long wait in a line to receive our certificate. However, in the days after, as I processed the trip, I realized how it had changed me. It was a concentrated life experience that mirrored reality. It was not cluttered by entertainment, duties, expectations, or any other of life’s distractions. It was simple but significant. All we had to do those 32 days was walk from where we were to our next destination. All day. Every day. We ate, we walked, we slept, and we fellowshipped. But we also walked 500 flippin miles across Spain! The mundane, yet intentional movement got us a hella long way.

 I think that transformation is inevitable. It does not have to occur through excessive productivity or success in the world’s terms. Transformation and awakening by love might just as likely come from a partner making you coffee in the morning, a child relaying something that is important to them, a chat with a friend, or a morning walk to get your body moving. I used to thrive on people pleasing and acquiring kudos by overextending myself. What other’s thought or needed was the drive that kept me going, and if I didn’t have approval, I sunk into despair. These old ways still occasionally show up, but I can spot them more quickly now. I also am way more comfortable with the boring day to day, doing what I enjoy and trying to care for my needs and help those close to me. I make daily mistakes but try to keep an attitude of forgiveness for myself and others. I am no longer focused on fixing everyone else, preventing problems (of mine or others), or performing the way others think I should. Instead, I am more comfortable admitting I have needs and working to prioritize those needs. I HAVE been awakened by love and am open to letting it transform me. I am slowly breaking free from the old bondage of the past, and pursuing a more sustainable, peaceful, life of love.

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It has been awhile since I initially wrote the thoughts below this paragraph. The original words came from a place of recent, deep hurt. So, I have given it lots of time and rereads. I also have REALLY appreciated the encouragement I have received from my last post. Many have reached out in love and kindness, and that has provided healing to my soul. Lastly, I realize that ALL of the church is not responsible for all harsh treatment of the LGBTQ+ community. There is a spectrum that goes from “shunning” or “turning over to Satan in hopes for repentence” on one side and moves with many stops all the way to some that are in “full celebration and inclusion of the LGBTQ community.” Many are somewhere along that spectrum and are really trying to understand how best to love this community that is different than they are. I really appreciate this spectrum, and I hope this post is helpful. It is only my personal experience, but I will be as honest as I can be.

Previously written post (edited)

At the risk of overwhelming, I add this post. I wrote this a few months ago after a very hard interaction with old friends. The previous post I shared has been written (except for the last bit) for about a year or so. I struggled to know if I should just share that one or this one, or both. If it is too much, forgive my humanity. I share with hopes that it will create curiosity, context, and compassion.

Have you ever had thoughts about people who have left the church? Have you ever looked up and realized they were gone, and wondered why? Or maybe you have known why, and shook your head in disappointment. There are many reasons people may leave a church, and I am not suggesting that pursuing those people is always necessary. However, it might be nice to consider whether they are hurting. I remember having judgmental assumptions of people who had been hurt by the church before I became one of those hurt myself. Judgments such as: Those people were weak in their walk with God, easily wounded, quick to embrace a bitter spirit, etc. And those people were definitely on a slippery slope. I am sorry to admit that these things ever crossed my mind, but they did, especially when I was much younger.

I have now become those people I used to judge. I have never been hurt so deeply as I have since coming out in support of my daughter. Actually, “we” because my husband has experienced it too. He used to be pretty oblivious to emotions, even his own. His dad has a funny story about him wondering aloud why emotions were even necessary. In our marriage, I have had more than enough for both of us. But, this journey has been really tough on some of our most precious relationships, and we’re continuing to navigate these emotions as the conflicts and confrontations never seem to completely stop. (Yes, I realize that posts like this may encourage more confrontations :)).

I want to re-emphasize that almost all of our family is willing to be with us at gatherings. They seem genuinely interested in our lives and our kids’ lives, even though things have changed. We have become more “liberal,” and I imagine that can be tough for some of them to accept. But I am grateful that they have not let us go or “turned us over to Satan”. We feel loved by them. However, I cannot say the same for some of our past closest church friends.

I do not mean to whine. This has been the hardest piece to share, because it feels so whiny. However, I know this is a common experience for queer people and families who support their LGBTQ kids. I believe something needs to change! I really hope that my experience will help those who are respectfully curious to have a deeper empathy for what people in their congregations may be going through. Or maybe some will have a clearer understanding about why people connected to this issue have left their churches. And that leads me to this most honest letter.

Dear Church,

Why do you assume YOU KNOW how people should live their lives? Based on our experience, why do you not allow us to support and celebrate our child’s beautiful life? “But the Bible says,” you may say. With respect, do you fully understand the Bible? And if you’re taking it so literally, do you practice everything it says? Or does “the other” just make you uncomfortable, because it’s not something you’ve experienced?

“God said it. I believe it. That settles it?” “I let the Bible dictate my life?” Here are a few challenges that took me about 5 minutes and admittedly are shallow examples.

Do you eat pork?
Do you submit to your husband?
Do you love your wife as Christ loved the church?
Do you sacrifice a perfect lamb on the alter every year for your sins?
Oh, Jesus fulfilled that need? Ok.

Jesus’ words come to mind actually:

Do you “Let those without sin cast the first stone?”
Do you first remove the log from your eye before pursuing the speck in your brother’s eye?
Do you “Judge not so that you will not be judged?”
Do you, “Love your neighbor?”

There are 6 verses in the Bible about “homosexuality” (Actually, that word was not used until the more modern interpretations, beginning in 1946– see the film 1946 when you get the chance). Many believe (myself included) that those verses are not addressing being gay in a monogamous, committed relationship. There are many scholars who believe that those verses are addressing something very different than a monogamous, committed relationship. If you are willing to explore, their arguments are compelling. For resources, see this post https://respectfullycurious.com/curious-about-knowing-part-2/

In light of the fact that many don’t agree in this area,

Dear Church,

Your treatment of this people group and those who celebrate them is an arrogant position and causing harm.

Hard words to take

Here are some things that have felt hurtful that have all come from Christian “love”:

1)“I just need to let you know, I don’t agree with you on this. ”
2)“You don’t believe the Bible.”
3) “You are living in sin, and until you repent, you are out of fellowship.”
4)“You can continue to lead your small group, but if anyone in your group has a child dealing with this issue, we would ask you to send them to our elder board instead of discussing it with them.”
5)“I honestly don’t know what to do with you.”
6)“We are concerned for you.”
7) “God still loves you even if you find yourself off course.”
8)“We wish you would have told us earlier what you were going through, so we could have prayed for your daughter to have a change of heart.”
9)“I had to reach out, because I didn’t know if anyone was telling you the truth— that you are in sin.”
10)“God has been leading me to write this for years, and I finally had the courage to share it with you.”

Additionally, we have experienced an enormous amount of ghosting. Maybe that just happens over time, but it’s been a whole lot of people. Also, you may read some of these and wonder why they were hurtful. All I can say is, these are the comments that have created feelings enough to remember them. I am sensitive, and I could flush out the context of these comments; but I won’t take time for that here. I am happy to chat about it if you are respectfully curious. Just know that they were hard to take in the moment. This also is not an exhaustive list, but they include sentiments that are more common responses from church friends.

I have known those who have not experienced any harm from religion. I am a bit jealous of them. I sometimes feel I am grasping onto a faith that I want to trust has more to it than the people who claim to belong to it. Because the truth is, they are the source of hurt for us, not healing. Our journey with our own kids, it turns out, has been the easiest part! The “punishment” we have received from those who would have claimed to be our closest friends is the much harder part.

I know there has been much great work done by Christians through the years. However, often if you dig a little, it is easy to uncover tremendous power mongering and harm. Many organizations are run by the walking wounded, as podcasts, documentaries, and personal experience affirm. Some want our country to be a Christian nation, with a Christian leader, Christian beliefs for laws, etc. I believe our country should remain a place for all to live freely. Some sects of Christianity are not comfortable trusting people to explore and understand God in ways different than their own. Exploring different perspectives and shifting one’s belief comes at a cost in these communities. That has felt very real these last few years to Chris and me.

Dear Church,

I understand now when Jesus said to Peter, “No, to forgive 7 times isn’t enough. But 70 times 7. “ Because the harms will come
and come
and come.
And forgiveness (the process, not the quick fix) does bring freedom. It seems He knew that we would have to keep forgiving.

Dear Church,

Please stop believing it is your job to save people. Please stop believing it is your job to police people’s life choices. It is not. I believe it is your job to shine your light in dark, hopeless places, as Christ said, “A city on a hill cannot be hidden.” It is not your job to convict. It is your job to love people, even if they don’t agree with you. “Loving” them by telling them they are wrong is not love. Loving them by refusing to associate without reminding them they are in sin is not love. If you know a grown person who is behaving a way that you don’t like, too bad. If you have children, you need to learn this before they are adults; or you will learn it the hard way after. Grown people are responsible for their own actions and beliefs. Only they and God can change their beliefs. They likely have reasons for their beliefs. Trust them. If they are wrong, they will learn without your “encouragement.” Every confrontation, controlling comment, and quiet gossip for the “prayer chain” is immature, manipulative, and pushing them farther away from you and God. You become unsafe, and they will not come back.

I am grateful now to belong to a church that doesn’t claim to know how people should live. They do claim to love people. And ALL are welcome. Yes, Liberals, Evangelicals, Buddists, Jesus lovers, Queer people, Republicans and Conservatives, and SO many more. ALL ACTUALLY MEANS ALL at our church, and I love that about it. And there are beautiful rainbow people to be in community with, so you can grow in empathy for people different than you.

Forgive my rant. I am licking very recent wounds of heartache and loss. I am learning better boundaries, and I am learning to leave people who are keeping to themselves alone, even if I miss them. I also try to remember that they are all doing what they believe is right. I remember I used to behave in similar ways, but I never want to again. When you experience the pain, you know.

Words that heal

These are words that have blessed us on this journey. They are ALMOST as impactful as the hurtful words. When I get a little more mature, I’m sure they will be WAY more impactful :).

Dear Church, and others,

Thank you for your kindness and grace. Here are a few things you have said that have blessed us.

1)”I want you to know, I stand with you in support.” 2) “Congratulations!!!” 3) “How is Cailin doing?” 4) “How can we show love to Cailin?” 5) “I can’t know what I would do if it were me.” 6) “All we know is we love you all.” 7) “Let me give you a hug.”

On those healing words, I will end. Thank you to those who spoke them to us. Hopefully a little will be learned here, but I know it is not my job to change the church or anyone. I hope my experience is helpful. May we have compassion for each other in these challenging times.

The post Dear Church, Helps on What Not to Say appeared first on Big Feels: The Diary of a Passionate Kitty.

This year was my favorite Christmas so far! I had all my kids home for several days. Everyone had a good time, and no family feuds occurred, that I know of anyway :). Even my husband and I communicated well and functioned on the “same team”, which doesn’t always happen. Also, our family is different than I imagined when I was a younger parent.

I am a mom that is “dang crazy” about her kids! I think that they know this, and of course I know that they are not perfect; but I truly think they all are AMAZING people! (Their partners are excellent too ❤️). If I told them how often I consider how cool they are, they would definitely say I was being “weird.” Suffice it to say, I am SO proud of each of them!!! But my awesome family looks different than I imagined it would look.

I remember being a young mom a lot of years ago. We invited a pastor and his family over for lunch after Sunday church. This man so clearly De-LIGHTED in his kids! It was inspiring and deeply blessed me. He would say, “_______, show Joy and Chris how you _______,” or “__________, tell Joy and Chris about when you __________!” I decided then that I wanted to be THAT kind of parent. He delighted in his kids like I hoped God delighted in me. I wanted my kids to feel that from me.

My family is not perfect. But we all love each other. I expect we do not all agree on all things. But my hope is that we all feel like we are in each other’s “corner.” The world is a difficult place. Home and family should be safe.

What have you imagined life would be like? Could you have fulfilled those dreams? Why didn’t you? Was it because you couldn’t or did you choose not to? Maybe it required some grieving, or you still need to find space for that? Or maybe your heart has grown 2 sizes like the Grinch :). Maybe your family is not what you imagined, but maybe it feels nice, with more room for love and curiosity.

I do not believe our imaginings for ourselves and others are likely to EVER turn out like we imagine. WHY? Because we are changing and so are they. And we are us and they are them. We may try to make them us? But they will always be them. We can clinch more tightly for control, or we can start asking questions about why we are grasping so desperately. We could lean in and learn more about who they are.

It takes me awhile sometimes to relax my clinched fists and find respectful curiosity; but when I do, I find capacity for things like understanding and empathy, peace and love, surrender and acceptance of myself and others. These remind me of a familiar list: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faith, and self-control. I am grateful for it. Here’s to even less fist clinching in 2023.

Respectfully curious with you,

Joy

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However, yesterday our reservation got overlooked, so we arrived in a very small town with no place to stay. After calling everywhere else, our only option was the church location run by volunteers. Thankfully they had space for us. We’d had a significant climb, so we didn’t feel up to walking to a further village.

Instead of a private room like we’d reserved (see, we do enjoy a private bathroom now and then 😊), we ended up in another room full of bunks with about ten other pilgrims. It worked out fine, and we were so thankful to have a place.

Today we set out early. We had been told that it would be the most difficult day we had ahead of us. There were miles of steep downhill, rocky trails, that were hard on the feet and knees. We managed to survive the long day. We were joined by friends for part of it, which is always a good distraction.

It was hard, but it was simple. There were not many decisions to think through, except the knowledge that one foot in front of the other is the only way to get to our nice bed. It wasn’t complicated, however each step getting there was felt in a tangible, even painful way.

Sometimes, in my normal life, I get so stressed about which path is the right one. This Camino journey has been really stress free in a strange, but refreshing way. It has reminded me that most of my life is really about the discipline of putting one foot in front of the other. Those steps might be hard and painful, but I think I often have more clarity than I want to admit. It’s just a matter of pushing through the hard, obvious work ahead with confidence.

It’s hard, but simple. And dang it if there aren’t a thousand beautiful things to behold along the way, if I don’t forget to keep my eyes open!

Until next time, Buen Camino!

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