Lessons from our pets
These two– so different, yet the same. When I was a little girl, I thought dogs ate cats and there was no way they could be friends. But these two pets of Bethany’s are very attached to each other and live at peace in our home. It reminds me of what I wish was the reality in our world. However, things only seem to get more difficult. I admit that I am tempted to think that I cannot share space with those who believe things that seem so wrong, to me. I have been hurt by social media posts and conversations with people I love, because of those belief differences. They may feel the same about me. I cannot fathom how anyone can follow a bully, yet many that I care about seem to be doing so. It is so confusing. But I believe we HAVE to learn to appreciate our differences and either attempt to understand the other or let it go, like Rocko and Jet have learned to do. If we don’t, we will continue to devour “the other” (which, by the way, gives the bully more power).
Connection
I attended a trauma conference last week where there were 3400 people from all over the world. I discussed the challenges we have in the U.S. with others in different parts of the world. Those I met agree that we do have a bully running our country, and they felt badly for us. All the speakers had a similar thread to their talks: that connection is a primary component for healing trauma. Yet, connection sometimes feels impossible.
How can we keep our beliefs and the authenticity of who we are and remain respectful with those who are different? I believe Tyler Merritt addressed it articulately when he talked about proximity. Check out his book, I Take my Coffee Black here: https://thetylermerrittproject.com/book/. He has some experience with community, and it is an inspiring read.
Proximity
I agree with Tyler and want to name that proximity is a key part of what, I believe, is missing here. I have moved multiple times throughout my life, and I have learned lessons with each move. Different locations hold different people groups, different stories, and different cultures. I have become closer in proximity to different varieties of people because of where I live. I have Black and Brown people around me that I love. I have Asian friends and family that I love. I have gay, bi, and trans people that I know and love. I see the world differently, thanks to living in a place where people who are different than I reside. I could choose not to see these people, not to listen to their stories, or try not to understand their journeys; however, I would miss out on many life giving relationships if I avoided experiences with those who are different than I. I know it sounds dramatic, but I fully believe that being in proximity with these people has saved my life. If I had not seen their perspectives, I would have continued to be surrounded by all the people who looked like me, talked like me, believed like me, etc. There is an incredible beauty and growth that would be missing from my life.
Seattle
I remember when we moved to Seattle from the community that was so comfortable for us. I grieved for a solid year, and I missed my friends who I had been pregnant with, homeschooled my kids with, and “solved the world’s problems” with. I must have known that things would change beyond my imagination, because the weight of that loss still brings emotions in my chest when I think about it.
I remember our first visit back, when our friends were gathering together. I noticed that I had some discomfort that I had NOT missed. I was feeling aware of concern about the outfit I had brought to wear. I noticed that I was thinking about how skinny everyone else was, and how “not skinny” I felt. I wondered if people would be evaluating my karaoke performance– I was reminded, by myself, that I couldn’t measure up. These insecurities were very noticeable, I believe, because they had been pretty non-existent since moving away.
When I got curious about why these feelings were so present in this community, I came to a new understanding of myself. In this community, where I thought I was SO comfortable, I was actually very insecure. It was a lovely looking bunch of people, who loved us, and we loved them. We missed them terribly, and looked forward to seeing them; but what I felt after a short break was interesting.
Respectfully Curious about non-diverse groups
I wonder, when we are only surrounded by people who look and act and believe like us, do we see the bigger picture? How can we? It feels nice in a way. The lines are so clear; we know where to shop, what to eat, and how to raise our kids. Our structures are able to be built on what, we believe, is a very firm foundation of truth; and we can build walls around it to keep out those who don’t belong. We even gather to peer out over those walls; and together we feel sorry for those who do not adhere to our belief systems, because they can’t possibly be happy, can they? Our kids can grow up to marry their perfect partners, who look like us, act like us, and believe like us. They can shop where we shop, eat what we eat, and raise their kids like we raised them. It is very comfortable and tidy. Truly, it is! And we can stay the same.
Here’s another thought. What would happen if we decided intentionally to connect with a person or two outside our normal circles? What if we joined a book club or yoga class to expand our community. Maybe these aren’t opportunities that you are able or desire to do, but there are also MANY memoirs out there that can help us understand better the experience of others. May I recommend Born a Crime, by Trevor Noah https://a.co/d/eS555KN, Finding Me, by Viola Davis https://a.co/d/0LTooxR, or Torn, by Justin Lee https://a.co/d/8H92wBi. These are just a few that have helped me grow! You may even have a friend or family member who is part of a different community, who may be willing to have coffee and connect. I do want to acknowledge that the weight of understanding others is our own. It needs to come from a place of love and curiosity, pursuing points of connection, instead of “help me understand how you came to believe how you do.” Telling one’s story may be appropriate after some time and trust, but don’t start there. Start with things you love about the other, and sit and connect over that for awhile. Safety in relationship takes time, grace, and effort. And this is not about convincing the other to come to our point of view. This is simply connection. I know. It’s hard for me as well :).
Circling Back to Rocko and Jet
I hope I have helped to bring some respectful curiosity to what I believe is a VERY important issue in our country. I am so glad that I was exposed, even though it wasn’t always comfortable for me, to quite alot of diversity of community in the last 15 years. Seattle is a FANTASTIC place to live, and it is safe for most everyone to create and explore and be authentically who they were made to be. I felt that safety really soon after moving here, and I noticed the difference when going back for that first visit. I want to be that safe place for everyone in my life, but I am still learning how. I grew up Christian, and I believe that desire is consistent with a Christianity that I am still willing to be part of. I want to be open to love and forgive and grow and change and love and forgive and grow and change FOREVER. I know that it feels scary sometimes; but as I look back, I have not been sorry for these changes in my life. I wonder if the survival of our families, friends, workplaces, and humanity depends on proximity and inclusion for those who are different. Please consider taking time for curiosity in this space. And as long as you are not a bully, you are welcome around my table, no matter who you are!!! https://youtu.be/ZPfI8zBWub4?si=CQiJCwxOlQAJxBmi