Trigger warning: honest conversation about body image challenges
I grew up tall and lanky but I never FELT thin. My first memory of worrying about my weight was in second grade when my thighs spread out on the metal chair in music class. I quickly lifted my legs. I remember feeling so uncomfortable when my body started maturing, and pulling my tshirts down to flatten out my chest. I was also learning what boys were thinking, which was particularly disturbing to me. Striving to be thinner was a significant part of my life, yet I was never satisfied with the outcomes. I was technically underweight, but my perspective was skewed and I saw myself heavier.
I have always loved exercising. My friend had cable. I recorded some aerobics shows, so I could do daily exercise. Eventually, I studied to get my personal trainer certification and enjoyed teaching classes and coaching people on my own. Much of my time and thoughts continued to be consumed with how to better my appearance, and how to help others with this too. My body hurt from symptoms of overtraining. Eventually, I modified my messaging along with everyone else–the focus was now more on HEALTH than image. I did believe that, but it really is difficult to grasp the difference. I could make myself feel better about how I said it, but my feelings around how pleased or not pleased I was with my body did not change much.
Often I have a facebook memory pop up that was me some years ago. I often think, “Wow! I did not realize how good I looked back then. I should have enjoyed myself more.” I have thought that countless times through my life– enough times that you would think that I would have learned by now. I should love her now.
In circles of women there are often SO many conversations around weight loss. I am very weary of the conversations and the dieting. It has been a long time since I have tried to lose weight. I am 40 lbs heavier these last 5 years than I was for the previous 40 ish years of my life. I don’t know how it happened. It might be because I finally stopped dieting. It’s possible I was on a diet for the first 40 something years of my life. There was not a food that I hadn’t memorized how many calories it was. Each item was on a spectrum in my mind that ranged from healthy to indulgent or harmful. Depending on what I chose to eat, my feelings for myself ranged from pride to shame. This can still be a struggle, but I am slowly shedding those old patterns of thinking. I really feel bummed that I have spent so much energy thinking such negative thoughts about the body that I have been given. She really serves me well, and I have not thought kindly of her.
So, my new challenge, is to be kind to my body, in a variety of ways. I will attempt to fuel her with a variety of nutritious foods and enjoy some treats as well. I will move my body in a variety of ways that will help keep me strong and limber for as long as I can manage. I will NOT attempt to “be better than I was yesterday,” or “be the best version of myself.” I am getting older. I can do things that will help my body be in good working order for as long as possible; however, there are a host of ways that my life could be cut short that I have absolutely zero control over. So, I can make choices that can help me feel better, but I can not ensure health. I can love and appreciate the body that I have been given. It has birthed 3 children and accompanied me through a miscarriage. It has brought me pleasure and pain. It has walked me through journeys that I never knew I would experience, highs and lows, and I have been ok! I have learned to listen to her cues and cautions, now that I do not deprive her of her basic needs. I am beyond grateful for my body that has been a gift.
Love that body! It is a difficult thing to do in our culture, and the harmful messaging is unavoidable. For my daughters, granddaughters, and myself, I am letting go of my desire for perfection (whatever that is) and I am committing to be grateful for this body that carries me. She is good. Hang in there, Girl!
