On Becoming Supportive of our Daughter and the Larger LGBTQ+ Community…..Step One

These photos are from August 19, 2019, thanks to http://www.danilalondephoto.com/. I remember how special they were, as it felt like an important time to capture how we were all doing. Our daughter was planning to come out publicly soon, and we were wanting to publicly share our support of her shortly after. The first step was for her to come out to her siblings. My husband and I were very nervous.

I remember the day well. It was a Sunday afternoon in early August. Our daughter invited her siblings to go get Starbucks with her. My husband and I sat in the living room, with the lights off, dreading the possible outcomes. We discussed in trepidation how we thought it might go. This was the most weighty conversation for us, even though we were not part of it. If you are a parent, you know the desire to see your kids getting along well. The anticipation of a possible lifelong rift felt terrifying.

My husband and I often reminisce about that day, remembering what came next. The kids were gone for a short time, maybe 20 minutes. They had gone through the drive thru. We heard the car pull up, and we were dying to know how it went while also dreading it. We sat in anticipation, looking anxiously at one another. The next moments were like moving from a forest of doom and dread into a field of flowers accompanied by a choir of angels! Seriously, it was dramatic! We heard our kids laughter as they walked up the steps to the front door. We smiled at one another. We exhaled. The biggest hurdle was done.

Our daughter drove back to school that afternoon, and we to our other kids separately. We felt it was important to check in with them and let them know that they did not have to agree with the position that we had come to. We were willing to navigate the challenges of disagreement within a family. Let’s be real, it is likely to occur over and over, so why not start now? But no need yet. Both had precious responses when we asked them what they were thinking. They said something similar to, “Well, we are definitely not surprised, as she has never been interested in boys. And we do not claim to know all the reasons why she should or shouldn’t live a particular way. We love her and don’t have a problem with it.” This was music to our ears for so many reasons. We are so proud of our kids and grateful for the gracious people that they continue to be.

I think the above picture is a really good indication of where my relationship with my daughter was at this point. It felt a bit awkward. It may appear like I just jumped easily into the affirming camp with my newfound knowledge, turning off all my previous beliefs. That was not the case. As I mentioned in my last post: https://respectfullycurious.com/curious-about-knowing-part-2/ I am a people pleaser. My mom would tell you I was a very compliant child, and I liked “behaving” my way into approval from everyone. But that was all getting ready to fall to horse sh*t!

But also, the awkward feelings were real, because I had never been so close to a gay person before. And not just any gay person, this was my daughter! Even after a year it was a passage for me to learn how to love her. I wish I could say it was natural to embrace her fully. I think especially because of my need to fit into the “approved of” space, it was hard. I expect she felt that. We need a new photo 😁.

This photo seems less awkward to me, but I have not asked my husband if he had similar challenges to mine. I doubt he did. He is less inclined to let as much bother him, and I am grateful. Our little family was intact, and that was the most important thing for us. I would get past my awkward phase.

The next “coming out” would be a big one for us, and would be costly.

To be continued….